I have a tiny penis.
I will go all out -- even if it means lying through my teeth as above -- just as long as I can surprise, shock, and shut the mouths of competitive, egoistic people around me.
Of course, it would be very unsettling if I had said the opposite, and caused those egoistic people to open their mouths wide.
Thing is, I'd rather concede defeat right from the start, than to compete and compare myself with smarty pants.
It's a very draining exercise to defend yourself or to put smarty pants in place, so this is one technique I always use.
And it works.
I can say this with authority since I had been subjected to such comparisons at various points in my life.
As a child, I had loud, distant relatives whose sole mission in their lives is to trumpet their kids' achievements.
But the rascal in me didn't care one bit, since playing catching with my childhood friend Mamat was more interesting than feeling small about myself.
Things turned out differently when I went on to primary school, though.
That's when I had some semblance of intellect and emotion, enough to react when being compared.
When I was in Primary Three, I did well enough during streaming to be banded in the school's top class for the next level.
But with all the catching I was playing with Mamat around our estate, I had no energy left to catch up in the classroom.
So my very thoughtful form teacher, Ms Chua, had painstakingly reminded me of my stupidity at every opportunity.
See? Weijie, you failed your maths again. See? You scored the lowest for English. See? Why are you even in this class?
Apart from making me feel like toenail dirt, there was not one thing she did to help me improve -- like, say, making me stay back to do extra work. Maybe she thought a bit of taunting and comparing me to my classmates would make me tougher.
Passionate woman, that one.
And as we progress in life, the comparisons don't stop.
Fitness level, choice of university, choice of faculty, choice of CCA, whatever.
It gets even worse when we start work.
In fact, the comparisons become more calculated and disguised.
For years, I had to defend myself for choosing a profession that pays me just enough to have three meals a day.
While I do have friends who are genuinely supportive but are concerned about my career, I also have those who'd take the opportunity to belittle me.
Aiyoh, how come you earn so little?!
With a pay like that, you might as well not have studied so hard!
My usual response would be to take a deep breath, and patiently explain to the smarty pants in question, that I love what I do and monetary rewards is secondary.
Most of the time, the comparisons are not designed to hurt me, but to massage the egos of the insecure.
Perhaps, my non-achievements -- coupled with my instinctive response to defend myself -- make me a good springboard for them to launch into their topics.
Oh, you haven't been promoted yet ah? I just got mine last week. (Good for you lor, Senior Smarty Pants).
The other day, my staff made me so angry. What about you? How many staff do you have working under you? (I have one whole department working under me -- on the first floor).
I did not make these examples up, and there are way too many of such to list.
To be honest, I dislike being compared to my peers, but more importantly, I dislike being a platform for smaty pants to show off.
I also realise that the more I explain to smarty pants why I can't afford to buy a condo, or not scaling the corporate ladder, or not embarking on post-graduate studies, the more I massage their swelling egos.
But to shut the hell up and not respond would be rather uncharacteristic of me.
So after a while, I join them in belittling myself until there's no kick for them.
And smarty pants being smarty pants, they'll be smart enough to move on from you because they know they can no longer prompt any emotion out of you.
So if you're constantly the subject of comparison of insecure smarty pants, fret not.
Toss those pants aside and say you have a tiny penis.
At the end of the day, the biggest winner is the fella who doesn't need to have a big ego.
